What do you use? Continue reading
As I sat here this afternoon doing battle with the flies that seemed to be hell bent on finding an entrance into my head via my ears.
And… I waited for peace to smother me in its embrace.
I often ruminate on how I got to this point, and I have to admit that I’ve yet to come up with an answer that clears the air.
How did a kid from Chicago’s Northwest side find himself ensconced in the bosom of Mother Nature on a regular basis?
I have no answers.
I grew up on a heavy diet of Lake Michigan. However, the “everythingness” that is the Windy City will never succumb to the deception that you are somewhere other than in her orbit.
As I sit in these assorted venues throughout Maryland…
I get the exact opposite.
I have to keep my guard up from those vexing questions that I pepper myself with… Fearful of the answer(s) that I may get.
Overthinking… Is a poison that is extremely contagious, isn’t it enough that I have a dumping ground for that which would burden me?
The crescendo of the water.
Is hypnotic, cleansing…
But I can’t leave it at that, because that would be too much like right.
I am a writer, but I am not ashamed to bow to the impossibility of encompassing your stature within the feeble confines of words. I considered succumbing to the shadow of failure, before realizing that when it comes to you that…
Words are wholly inconsequential.
I look at you and see the immutable power of love, selflessness and dedication to others.
It is this redemptive force that seems to be missing in a world drowning in its excesses.
This journey of mine has consisted of highs, lows, victories, defeats and the like.
Through it all it has been your countenance that has served as the fodder compelling me to push pass the grain of can’t, don’t, won’t… I wanted to, but; I never saw you abdicate, being Momma… So how could I do less in any endeavor?
You taught me that the white flag of surrender has no purpose other than wiping the soles of my feet with it.
In you… What I’ve I born witness to throughout my life has been nothing short of divinity.
You wear a crown of infectiousness and accordingly.
You’ve given me something to aspire to.
Thank you for being my lighthouse.
Happy Mother’s Day Momma.
As I sat here and pondered, I came to terms with something that I’ve often swept under the proverbial rug; my complicity in sabotaging my own success.
Getting out of my own way, is like communism, in that it only works in theory.
Who wants to admit that they are their own worst enemy? Coming to terms with this reality means accepting that we have but a modicum of control on our respective journeys…
Truth be told, I’m inclined to say that “control” is a cruel illusion.
I confess that I am not as transparent with the person that I should give the most unvarnished truth to.
Throughout my life hypocrisy has exerted undue influence over me and it would seem… Like the rest of humanity, that I am powerless to stop it.
The most consistent element of humanity is our consistent inconsistency.
Acknowledging the undue influence that hypocrisy has over us is a phyric victory of sorts.
It cannot be restrained or controlled, as the only option is co-existence.
Acknowledgement takes away a large element of power that invisibility affords it.
The energy expended convincing myself that I’m not complicit with the rest of humanity could be energy used to push myself out of my own way.
Copyright © 2015
Much of who I am had its beginnings in your bosom. I came of age under your tutelage, experiencing victories and defeats alike.
I hear your inflections in my voice when I speak.
I compare your siblings to you and none of them measures up to you. My experiences inform my steps as I claim you without fail. I am yours, unequivocally so.
Years ago… Had a shadowy visitor from the future told me that I would leave your embrace, it is safe to say that I would have rolled around on the ground, overcome with laughter.
As fate would have it… I was compelled to acquiesce to its will, if anything fate is nothing short of persuasive.
Thusly, I had to leave.
You provided me with an unshakable foundation.
So, it was only natural that I would seek to expand my horizons. Searching for that which escapes me is my mandate. Much to my dismay those whispers that I had been successful in drowning out, only seemed to grow in frequency as the years passed.
It was an epiphany of sorts as I realized that the Earth is a big place.
That being said, I want… No, I need you to understand.
I didn’t leave you… I didn’t betray the love that you unselfishly entrusted me with. My departure does not reflect any lack of affinity on my part, it was because of the adoration that I have for you that led me elsewhere.
It is the distance, my time apart from you that equips me with the faculties to appreciate you all the more.
Whenever I am in your presence you strengthen and inspire me, but there isn’t a simple answer that I can give to extinguish that burning question:
“Will we ever reunite on a permanent basis?”
I’m inclined to say no and I say it with a heavy heart. Because this pull, this calling that I am still trying to make sense of… Continues to pull me in competing directions. Perhaps when I find it or it finds me, this will have to be a topic for another day.
You are never far from my thoughts Chicago.
Love your son,