Searching for the “Why”.

I took a long walk in hopes of clearing the cobwebs and escaping the fog of uncertainty that has enveloped me as of late.

When I walk, I walk earnestly, searching for God’s face.

I’ve felt adrift as of late and found myself wondering… I sat here and wondered –

Why?

“Why am I here” is a refrain that I have endured echos of ever since I walked away from a car accident relatively unscathed nearly 3 years ago.

It is said that you see your life flash before your eyes when death is upon you.

And – it wasn’t a sense of peace I felt. There was this overwhelming sorrow pulsing through me, a tacit realization that I had squandered the chance to do what I supposed to, say what I was supposed to say and be who I was supposed to be.

In short I wasted a lot of my time because I figured:

“Oh, I’ll do that shit later.”

In short, I failed, marvelously.

Once that thought crossed my mind and I started to fade to black.

I came face to face with the realization that death is an illusion of sorts one that can circumvent if we only endeavor to understand it.

I expanded on the particulars in a previous essay as I’ve always believed in the concept of “Guardian Angels”, but for me to be administered to by two of them was overwhelming on so many levels.

Trying to make sense of what they told me as eluded me ever since.

“It’ll be alright.”
“Not yet son.”
“You still have work to do.”

On a number of occasions I haven’t been convinced that it’ll be alright. My burdens are heavy, my back is well defined – but I can’t deny that I am fatigued.

I’ve been consumed with this incessant desire to know – what is it am I waiting for?

This “work” that I’m supposed to do, is it right in front of my face? Am I neglecting pursuing it in face of the frivolous?

I am often conflicted as I wonder…

Why am I here?

The silence that I am often met with is deafening, but I don’t mind waiting.