So I found myself … Now what?

DSC_0922

This picture sums up the week I spent on the Big Island.

Awe inspiring; breathtaking, invigorating and reflective are some of the adjectives that come to mind.

In retrospect, I was lost but was able to find myself here, but up to this point I was shamefully oblivious to the fact that I’ve been wasting my time. As Hawaii was quick to show herself as an environment that is purely conducive to a being the writer that I’ve been suppressing for longer than I care to admit.

Sometimes it takes a proverbial kick in the pants to reorient yourself back to the things that are truly important, being cognizant of what gives you JOY, rather than doing something that takes JOY from you.

Realizing that I was wasting my time was one thing, but knowing the necessary steps to employ in regaining the steering wheel of my life was another thing altogether.

This reality weighed heavily on me, because not knowing that you are lost, is tantamount to being in prison with time ceasing to be that essential element that adds urgency to the fruition of goals, but goals be damned; I have mandates…

Sometimes the prison is in your mind.
Sometimes the prison is in your mind.

The spirit of Hawaii was just what my soul needed, as I found myself in a perpetually good mood,

Soaking in some solace
Soaking in some solace

with the toxicity of my 12 to 14 hour work days falling away like the layers of an onion. It wasn’t long before I realized that I didn’t like the person that I was on the outer layers, truth be told I loathed this person.

My corporate alter-ego
My corporate alter-ego

Solace and beauty was everywhere and seemingly in everything … I felt compelled to soak it in at every turn, but I slowly came to the realization that pulling over to the side of the road every time Mother Nature beckoned me to do so wouldn’t be prudent, because I’d be stopping every couple of feet.

Mother Nature beckons
Mother Nature beckons

But, I was acutely aware that savoring each moment that I had on the island would be essential.

Pulling the car over to climb a rock & scream at the top of your lungs is a must.
Pulling the car over to climb a rock & scream at the top of your lungs is a must.

Later on during my trip, I found myself standing on a pier, unclear of where I was other than being entranced by the breeze blowing across my skin which served as a reminder that in leaving here, that I would never be the same.

Shun P. savoring the peace of mind that he found.
Shun P. savoring the peace of mind that he found.

I was shaken from my hypnotic state as I watched a boat slowly make its way towards the shore and I couldn’t help but to wonder if the occupants of the vessel had the same peace of mind that I was feeling at this moment in time.

DSC_0868

I found myself wondering; is this boat a metaphor?
I found myself wondering; is this boat a metaphor?

As I thought about my impending return to the mainland, I remember a sense of foreboding enveloping me and for a fraction of a second I was tempted to frantically wave my hands at the boat and offer my services in exchange for the uncertainty of tropical newness over what passes as my existence on the mainland.

And… It was there that it hit me, I was living a boldface lie.

Damnit, I just want to write… And if I’m not writing, what is this so-called life that I am living?

How can I justify letting my alter-ego run my life while I sit idly by?

So now what?

3 thoughts on “So I found myself … Now what?

  1. Ah that is the question…a friend of mine (an old therapist actually) wrote a book I like called “Composing Your Life” that helped me out a great deal. I loved being a teacher, but it stole everything else from me as it took all my time. After reading his book and attending one of his workshops I made the difficult decision to quit teaching and, in fact, quit working for a few years. What a great decision that was! And no, I am not pushing his book on ya, there are zillions of books on the subject already anyway. It’s just what motivated me to take a leap. I really like Tama Keives too – she wrote a book about quitting a high-powered law firm and becoming a writer.

    I had some friends in Hawaii last week too (if that’s when you were there). Odd coincidence!

    Good luck to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for the perspective, I really appreciate it! Doing the hard stuff is really where the challenge lies, once I get past “stepping out on faith” and the courage of my convictions will everything start to run on auto-pilot. I’m ready to get out of my own way!

    Like

Let's get your 2 cents worth ...

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s